Tuesday, January 03, 2012

A Banner Year for Government Awards


The 2011 “Hineys”


Dennis Evers

Hollywood really has it together when it comes to honoring their own. These actors that get paid millions of dollars for pretending to be someone else deserve the accolades the industry bestows upon them. Let’s face it, when you nearly break your arm patting yourself on the back with awards like the Oscars, the Golden Globes and countless others, people really want to hear what you have to say about things like politics, the environment and animal rights.

There is, however, a segment of society that fails to get the recognition they deserve - the zealous government employee. I’m not talking about the millions of hard working government employees that go to work everyday and make twice what the private sector makes, or those that have a better retirement fund, or more holidays off, I’m talking about those tireless public servants, bureaucrats and politicians who go beyond the call of duty to enforce and create laws and do things that make this great country a better, safer, more gender-neutral, less competitive, environmentally-friendly, PC place to live.

They deserve their own award, and I would like to propose a name that many of us regular tax-paying citizens often find us calling them under our breath - the “Equine Hiney,” or simply, the “Hineys.”

Because competition has gotten out of hand in America, it’s not really good for their self-esteem to have a winner per se, so we will simply brand the top examples all as “runner ups’ so they can share the accolades equally, without the fear of being branded a “loser.”

With that clarification, I would like to present the top nominees, again, in no particular order, they’re all winners.

The TSA for arresting numerous low-life criminals for rape, child pornography, assault, thievery, child molestation and various drug-related crimes. Unfortunately, all of those arrested were TSA employees.
Senators Patrick Leahy, Susan Collins, Kirsten Gillibrand, Bernie Sanders, Charles Schumer and Olympia Snowe. Forget minor issues like rampant unemployment, skyrocketing energy and food prices, a deadlocked Congress and an oppressive lack of hope. An intrepid, grossly overly paid group of lawmakers (the same group that can legally get rich by illegal insider trading) has bigger fish to fry - rogue maple syrup producers. Their MAPLE (Maple Agriculture Protection and Law Enforcement) Act will send these dirty syrup counterfeiting bastards away for a long time by making the sale of fraudulent maple syrup a felony offense with up to a five-year maximum penalty. Finally - finally some sanity in Washington. 

Mayor Jack Scott of Cordova Alabama. When many of Cordova’s residents were left homeless when a tornado destroyed the town, FEMA was good enough to offer emergency single-wide trailers for the displaced survivors to start the difficult process of reclaiming their lives. Not so fast, says Mayor Scott, who won’t allow the single-wide trailers in the town limits because he doesn't want run-down mobile homes parked all over his city, and he has the town ordinance to back him up. By the way, he cites that ordinance from a temporary single-wide FEMA trailer that the town hall and police department both are now housed in.

The Oak Park Michigan carrot cops and Planning and Technology Director Kevin Rulkowski. Julie Bass decided to replace her lawn with a raised bed vegetable garden. Her five aesthetically pleasing planters, overflowing with lush vegetation in the form of carrots, tomatoes, peppers, cabbage and more are a hit with the neighborhood kids who enjoy helping out. Unfortunately, someone didn’t like the concept and called the city on her. After inspecting Julie’s vegetable patch, they issued her a warning and told the upstanding citizen and mother of six that all unpaved portions of the site shall be planted with grass or ground cover or shrubbery or other “suitable” live plant material. Director Kevin Rulkowski says, “If you look at the dictionary, suitable means common.” There is no specific ordinance that forbids vegetables, just some bureaucrat’s interpretation that “suitable” means “no vegetables.”  She demanded her right to a jury trial, so the city planned to throw the book at her. Julie could have spent 93 days in jail except for the avalanche of ridicule the city received. They dropped the charges, but recently added new ones with the same 93 days in jail penalty- unlicensed dogs. Really?

Montgomery County Md. Vegetables aren’t the only thing at the top of bureaucratic hit list, the American dream is right up there, as well. Rogue, entrepreneurial, prepubescent capitalist lemonade stand vendors seem to be a favorite. When some kids set up a lemonade stand on a street near the Congressional Country Club in Bethesda, Maryland during the US Open, a Montgomery County inspector shut the stand down for not having a government approved “permit.” Forget the fact that half of the proceeds were going to help pediatric cancer victims, and that these were good kids just trying to help out. None of that matters to a bureaucrat - they were in clear violation of “the code.” One of the fathers was nailed with a $500.00 fine as things escalated. Fortunately, a local TV station grabbed some video of the incident and it went viral, bring an avalanche of complaints against the stupidity. After enough pressure, the county backed off and let the kids set up nearby. The kids’ response was to donate 100% of the proceeds to the cancer victims.

NYC Sanitation Dept.  One of the best examples of why we need to eliminate about half of all government jobs is 83 year-old Darbe Pitofsky of New York. While going out for a cup of coffee, she dropped a brown bag of old newspapers in a public trash can. Shortly thereafter, a sanitation worker jumped out of his vehicle and chased her down, demanding identification and threatening to “put her away” if she didn’t comply. “He just frightened the hell out of me, scared me to death, I was terrified.” He issued her a citation for disposing of household waste that carries a fine of $100.00 and when she complained he threatened to raise it to $300.00. Darby has appealed the citation.

Honorable Mentions:

The moronic wonks that show just how stupid they believe citizens are by taking perfectly good words we’ve used for centuries, (words or phrases that keep politicians up at night, particularly if they offer a truthful representation of the current state of affairs) and magically “swap” them for new improved words that eliminate the harmful nuance and excite the MSM.

Words like:
Kinetic military action (war)
Overseas contingency operative (terrorist)
Leading from behind (who knows)
Investment (taxation)
Eliminating spending in the tax code (more taxation)
Jobs created or saved (who knows)

And finally, every politician that voted to ban our great American light bulbs and replace them with hazardous, Chinese-made, mercury-laden, early-dying, crappy-light-producing, buzzing CFL’s.

If you have a politician or government employee you would like to nominate for a “Hiney,” please drop me a line. Please limit nominees to two or three hundred a week.

Dennis Evers is a former police chief, wannabe-political satirist & cartoonist, and author of a real book, “How to Handle a Crisis,” and can be reached at

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