The Bill of Rights
(You Don’t Have)
We, the people of the United States, in an attempt to preserve the union, restore justice, maintain safety, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of liberty, hereby try again to ordain and establish common sense guidelines for the mutual benefit of all.
We hold this truth to be self-evident: that many people are confused by the Bill of Rights and require an explanation of “rights” they don’t have.
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. The United States makes it possible for individuals to make as much money as they are able, therefore if you can legally acquire those items, great. But you aren’t guaranteed anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone, no just you! Odds are that sometime someone will say or do something you don’t like. Learn to live with it.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in you eye, that’s your own fault. Don’t expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people on Earth, will gladly help anyone in need, and have established means of doing so, like churches and other private agencies. But they grow weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than creating another generation of couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. From the looks of public housing, public health care is a bad idea. The price of health care has risen sharply due in part to those of you who do not understand the Bill of Rights, and think that government or your employer should provide health care for you.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm others. If you kidnap, rape, maim or kill some, don’t be surprised if the rest of us try to fry you in the electric chair, despite the protestations of the people who think that killers have more rights than their victims.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, the rest of us will try to lock you away where you won’t have many rights at all.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to publicly lie about your country’s activities and use false information to publicly humiliate your country. If you take sides with the enemy, you can go to jail along with those foreigners who have taken up arms against the U. S.
ARTICLE IX: You don’t have the right to a job. All of us want you to have one so that you can support yourself and, if you have one, your family. But we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities laid before you to make yourself productive. If you need a little help for a while, see ARTICLE IV.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness, which is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws and oppressive regulations created by those of you who are confused by the Bill of Rights.
The preceding is attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, Georgia, written several years ago. It has since been modified from its original form over the years.